Kefaya <3

Okay, so I'm in Ohio now. My mom, sister, little brother and I all drove up here and got here last night to visit family for the holidays. We have all been anxious to meet my new baby cousin Kefaya- my aunt Shirly gave birth to her on July 24th (although she was supposed to be born at the end of October... yeah. So you can imagine how tiny she was when she was born!). She's 5 months old now and she looks like a new born baby; my aunt showed us little outfits that she wore when she was like 1 month old and they legit looked like babydoll clothes- it was crazy!
We got into the house at 2am yesterday and I was up talking on the phone with my boyfriend until like 5. Normally when this happens I wake up at the earliest 12am the next day but as i tossed and turned hearing the voices of my aunt, mom and grandma, realizing that they were discussing my new baby cousin; and that she was infact in the house!, i imediately awoke (at 10am with only 5 hours of sleep... and if you know me you know i looooooove to sleep so this new baby cousin was obviously a huge deal to me).
I got up and grabbed her, fed her and she fell asleep in my arms. We napped together for like 2 hours, it was so sweet; she is the cutest thing! She's half Hunagarian and half Middle Eastern, such a beatiful mix! She looks like her daddy but has her mom's beautiful big blue eyes. I love the way she studies my face, the way she smiles and how she is so expressive with her little eyebrows. I'm brand new to her and she's brand new to me. I can't wait to see how she grows up, and it's going to be different being that I'll only be seieng her 2 times a year. She's my new bestfriend or as my mom says "my little buddy". It's funny how you can have so much love for someone that you don't even know, I've only known her for a couple of hours and i can't get enough of her :)! I just always love babies at that age, if only babies could be babies forever. It's nice when they grow up but they become compltetely different people; but I'm sure she'll be an amazing little girl. That's something that I was always so interested in and plan a doing some studying on, babies, birth and all that crap.(Pictures of me and her that my mom took will be up sometime before i leave Ohio<3)

We Were Once A FairyTale

WE WERE ONCE A FAIRYTALE BY SPIKE JONZE & KANYE WEST
Uploaded by teleTOC. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

some video that I thought was really cute, sad, funny, and interesting. Well really my boyfriend showed it to me... he said he hoped it would show me to stop drinking so much. bahahhaa<3 Did i mention my love, Kanye West is the main actor? That makes it like 10000000 times better! Enjoy.

bad turned to good; and good is turning to better!

So the past week was a pretty bad one for me, I had like a total fail with an asshole boy, lost my phone, been feeling weird with people... I don't know I was just not happy with the way that things were going; like sleeping all the time and shit and just wishing things would get better. What I realized, with the help of my good friend Izzy.. ayyy, is that when shit is going bad you can't focus on the bad because that's no way to make anything better. You just have to stay positive and things will get better. "Bad things come in threes" so I think that things will be looking up! And just as I needed, the weekend has proved that to be right.
So, Saturday me and Izzy went to h&m got a few cute little things, wen to wholefoods and got so much good food and had like an indoor picnic, dipped to Cat's crib; vibed out there, to some music, blunts, funny videos, laughing at everythinggg it was so much fun. (and it snowed, not the best snow but it was still beautiful) That was my SaturDAY and mind you I haven't chilled with this chick in so long, so it was great, I missed her a lot:) We left after our blunt and I went to soho to meet up with 2 of my homeboys, this is when my amazing SaturNIGHT began. I'll get into that in a bit, it was CRAZY though... best night I had in awhile. Must needed details will be added shortly, I've got to go eat some soup now and try to get started on my homework -____- hoe hum.
But let me just say... Sometimes things have to get really bad so that they can get really good!

bitches get stiches!

My goal for this post is to write down every single "I don't give a fuck quote"... this should be fun! That's kind of how I'm feeling right now so rather than me be like hoe hum, woah is me, wah wah wah, I'm just gonna vent in a more positive, so to speak, ('cause I'm not really sure if not giving a fuck is positive but whadevaaaa)/

I used to give fuck, now I give a fuckless. - Jay Z

and I don't really give a fuck, it's probably best you know. - Drizzy

my attitude is celibate, I don't give a fuck. -Fabolous

But I scream fuck the world man, I'm too young for this. - Lil' Wayne

And everytime I try it opens up my eyes.

Here's a poem that I wrote,details such as who it was for do not need to be dicussed but you can clearly see how I was feeling here. It was writen a few weeks ago, I tend to write down the way I'm feeling (like anyone would) but I'm very into writing poems and songs.




I gotta try and break this wall that's standing between you and me, I don't know how I'm gonna do it but it'll happen eventually. Or maybe things will never change, although from the start to now they did. I'm blaming you for losing touch but in the beginning was it really me who hid? I try to bring up old times, cause your so stuck in the now. You say I changed from when we first met, I'm tryna find out how. But when we are together you can't deny how you feel, you say being with me is so familiar, I say it doesn't even seem real. Your something that I want, something I wish I had. But then you start to front and that's what gets me mad, and that's what builds the tension which makes me feel unsure. I know I sometimes front too but we need to give it more.

Tat caraaaazayy!

So it seems as if someone, and that someone being me, went a little tat crazy. Last week my bff Xera decided to come with a crazy idea... Like she always does, and this time her idea consisted of going on google and figuring out how to make a home-made tattoo gun. So tuesday, the 17th or something like that she took a portable fan, some India Ink for art class and became a tattoo artist. On this day I got two tattoos, one on my wrist which bis the Taurus symbol and a cute little bow on my waist. They came out pretty good!!! Then 3 days later, I couldn't seem to get enough, and I decided to get another!! (this time she advanced the tattoo gun with a colgate spin tooth brush!) A dove ( or bird ) with a heart next to it, near the front of my shoulder. I love tattoos but I think I need to slow down. In the near future I plan to get "alis volat propriis" in script along the side of the bird... Which in latin means "she flies with her own wings", this I will get professionally though! :) pictures of them coming up soon!

change, an intervention... or something of the sort.

Let me discuss how completely lost I am at this point of my life, I've been doing badly in school, smoking too much, not giving anything my all (or in that case not giving anything... ANYTHING) and just completely slacking in almost everyway possible. Countless times a week I say I'm going to change and do better, mostly for school, but it just doesn't seem to happen. I'm all about action, always talking about how actions speak louder than words... Blah, blah, blah. I've been a complete hypocrite to my own words which makes everything even harder. I think that there's a breaking point when it comes to this sort of thing, and I've noticed that it was getting out of hand but its gotten to the point where I was pretty much given a drastic sign that this needs to stop, or at least change.. So that's what I plan to do. My mother talks about how in life it is very important to take care of work first and then play, and rather than doing that I seemed to have completely cut out the aspect of work. I'm tired of halfassing shit, I know I am so much better than the way I act and what I give to the things I am involved in. Starting today I wish to reinvent myself, if that makes sense. I want to be me, which honestly I'm not even sure what that is. All I know is that I want to be true to myself and true to the things I do. I want to give everything my all, make myself feel good. Give schoolwork, basketball, family and friends my all. Start debate soon, get a job, while still having fun.. Partying and all that good stuff. I need to cut back on smoking; which I can figure out in a reasonable way. No holding back in anyway, I need to be confident and fearless. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by, I have so much to give and I intend to give it all in everyway. I just want to be me, 100 percent of the time; in everyway and in everything I do. I don't know how this will turn out but its got to be a lot better than anyway I've been living before and I plan to find out starting NOW!

child's play... child's mind.

Sitting on my kitchen floor while my 3 year old brother is on his potty (being potty trained!) we look at 4 pictures of him about a year ago when he was at daycare... two of them are just of him and 2 of them are with 2 other little girls. These 4 pictures for me would have gone by in about 1 to 2 minutes but for him each picture lasted as long as it would have taken for me to go through them all. Of course babies are much more curious and observant but it was so interesting, and actually impressive in a way, to see how engaged he was, making me want to be more like that for certain things. Taking time to observe things, see the importance in them. It really reflects how much people and things can change in such a short period of time, and that's actually been standing out to me in many other ways... today starting a new school year, seeing how things are already starting to change from just 2 months ago and to see (and to be in control) of how things will come to be in the up coming months. We need to realize how much control we have and actually TAKE CONTROL to make the best out of our futures, no matter how corner or metaphor-y it may sound, it's still very true. Time goes to fast, you have to love and appreciate each moment as it comes and passes, don't let this time slip out of your hands.

aaah sweet maroon 5.

word yo WORD!

Some shit i found on youtube. This is a little how i feel right now but i'm not completely sure haha is that strange in any way?

do you comprehend?

What do you do when you realize that everyones out to get you in some way or the other, do you sit back and take it or do you live alone? What sucks is that living alone is almost completely impossible for just about any human being, but can we really face being played or fucked with by everyone simply so that we are not alone? Which can we live with, which can we stand to take? I can't imagine living like this, but I would never, ever want to be alone. I don't think I would be able to stand it. 

What we set out to do though, when we find out that everyone is out to get us in some way or another, is we do what is in our best interest. You have to find the ones that are least out to get you. Accept the fact that everyone is gonna play with your emotions, trust, mind, feelings, heart, etc. and look for that one... or even few people, who are aiming to do that to you less than others.

There are people who 100% want to fuck with your everything.. or just one aspect, such as your heart, whatever. Like they just don't give a fuck how you feel it's just their 100% goal or decision, and then there are the ones who just want to fuck with you like 15%, either cause they're more aware of your feelings, or more aware of what they're doing, or I don't even know.. it's just the way life is. I wouldn't be able to explain. All we have to do to survive is to find that 15% person... if you catch my drift.

It sucks but sometimes you have to deal, that's what life's all about... dealing, trying to get through this game in the most pleasant way possible. 

I don't know there's just a lot on my mind, ill share more later when i have the patience and sanity. 

Procrastination? My middle name.

Here's something that is way past due. Like many things I've put it on the bottom of my list of things to do and left it waiting. Now finally, due to some inspiration, I've decided to take it upon myself and write a little something, as "Ms. Matthews" has probably been waiting for.

 The purpose of creating this blog spot was mainly from instructions of a teacher, so that she would be able to take a look at my writing. Now I'm not going to sit here and look at this as a schoolwork assignment (because than it will never get done), but more of an opportunity to share a few things on my mind, regardless of if anyone really gets anything out of it or even looks at it at all.

The other day while I was in a whole other world so to speak, and in a completely different state of mind than that of the usual I realized a few things. This particular state of mind usually occurs after a certain  event comes into action, making things come to my attention that normally wouldn't. I almost always seem to notice something new or unique about each person I am with when in this state of mind. 

One person that popped out to my attention was a boy named Justin, everything he was doing was strange and engaging to me, this probably being because it was the first time I had ever noticed it. Everything he did reminded me of an old man, in my eyes he seemed so mature and wise while only being 2 years older than me. He was different than all the other boys in the room, he seemed to have a very protective way about him. He would call me over to simply pull down my shirt so that my stomach wouldn't show, continuously sort of being my conscience when I was doing something inappropriate or stupid. He would always be the one to stop a childish fight, and explain to us something we didn't understand, in such a cool, calm and collected way. Now I can't recall if he always acts like this and I simply never noticed before, or if it was just my state of mind that seemed to emphasis these traits in him that were indeed in everyone else as well. But it was like I could see something pop out for everyone, like what they most wanted in life or how they most wanted to be viewed by others, simply in the ways that they would act with others around them.

 We all, that day, as a group formed a whole, but each person in the group contributing something different. Something like a band, with the singer, drummer, guitarist, etc. different roles making one song.

 I don't know if what I'm saying makes any sense, or maybe it in fact it happens to make complete sense. Maybe this sort of state of mind has been experienced by many others or  it could actually be totally crazy, but crazy as it might be it is also just as fascinating to see things in a different light. This creating so much more to observe and wonder while in my regular state of mind.