And everytime I try it opens up my eyes.

Here's a poem that I wrote,details such as who it was for do not need to be dicussed but you can clearly see how I was feeling here. It was writen a few weeks ago, I tend to write down the way I'm feeling (like anyone would) but I'm very into writing poems and songs.




I gotta try and break this wall that's standing between you and me, I don't know how I'm gonna do it but it'll happen eventually. Or maybe things will never change, although from the start to now they did. I'm blaming you for losing touch but in the beginning was it really me who hid? I try to bring up old times, cause your so stuck in the now. You say I changed from when we first met, I'm tryna find out how. But when we are together you can't deny how you feel, you say being with me is so familiar, I say it doesn't even seem real. Your something that I want, something I wish I had. But then you start to front and that's what gets me mad, and that's what builds the tension which makes me feel unsure. I know I sometimes front too but we need to give it more.

Tat caraaaazayy!

So it seems as if someone, and that someone being me, went a little tat crazy. Last week my bff Xera decided to come with a crazy idea... Like she always does, and this time her idea consisted of going on google and figuring out how to make a home-made tattoo gun. So tuesday, the 17th or something like that she took a portable fan, some India Ink for art class and became a tattoo artist. On this day I got two tattoos, one on my wrist which bis the Taurus symbol and a cute little bow on my waist. They came out pretty good!!! Then 3 days later, I couldn't seem to get enough, and I decided to get another!! (this time she advanced the tattoo gun with a colgate spin tooth brush!) A dove ( or bird ) with a heart next to it, near the front of my shoulder. I love tattoos but I think I need to slow down. In the near future I plan to get "alis volat propriis" in script along the side of the bird... Which in latin means "she flies with her own wings", this I will get professionally though! :) pictures of them coming up soon!

change, an intervention... or something of the sort.

Let me discuss how completely lost I am at this point of my life, I've been doing badly in school, smoking too much, not giving anything my all (or in that case not giving anything... ANYTHING) and just completely slacking in almost everyway possible. Countless times a week I say I'm going to change and do better, mostly for school, but it just doesn't seem to happen. I'm all about action, always talking about how actions speak louder than words... Blah, blah, blah. I've been a complete hypocrite to my own words which makes everything even harder. I think that there's a breaking point when it comes to this sort of thing, and I've noticed that it was getting out of hand but its gotten to the point where I was pretty much given a drastic sign that this needs to stop, or at least change.. So that's what I plan to do. My mother talks about how in life it is very important to take care of work first and then play, and rather than doing that I seemed to have completely cut out the aspect of work. I'm tired of halfassing shit, I know I am so much better than the way I act and what I give to the things I am involved in. Starting today I wish to reinvent myself, if that makes sense. I want to be me, which honestly I'm not even sure what that is. All I know is that I want to be true to myself and true to the things I do. I want to give everything my all, make myself feel good. Give schoolwork, basketball, family and friends my all. Start debate soon, get a job, while still having fun.. Partying and all that good stuff. I need to cut back on smoking; which I can figure out in a reasonable way. No holding back in anyway, I need to be confident and fearless. I'm tired of watching my life pass me by, I have so much to give and I intend to give it all in everyway. I just want to be me, 100 percent of the time; in everyway and in everything I do. I don't know how this will turn out but its got to be a lot better than anyway I've been living before and I plan to find out starting NOW!